What I Want at My Funeral

No, I'm not dying. Just thinking about it. Jing and Charlie tell me not to, but it carries a morbid fascination for me. 


I'm still young enough to have fun talking about it. Someday, it won't be so fun, but these wishes will have been written and I won't have to worry about them then. 





Visitation
Play lots of Old Time Radio comedy over the speakers. Not loudly, but enough so folks can just sit and listen if they want. And no horror or suspense, just the funny stuff. My favorites, in this order: 

• Phil Harris and Alice Faye 
• Ozzie and Harriett
• Jack Benny
• Martin and Lewis
• Life of Riley

And mix it up, okay? As of this writing, there's a lot here. And maybe a TV in a corner playing The Wizard of Oz, my all-time favorite movie, and maybe in the hallway another playing It's a Wonderful Life, my 2nd all-time favorite. Will give the children something to watch.




The Service
• Two hymns, no more, no less. Start with Holy, Holy, Holy, because it sounds like sunshine. It’s #1 in the old Bethel Baptist hymnal. Don't sing any dumb choruses where people close their eyes and raise their hands. I swear, you sing one of those and I'll get up and walk out.


 

• Finish with Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling, because it includes “Come home, come home, ye who are weary come home,” because I will have been, and will have.
• It would be nice if there were a few people there to say goodbye. But if there's not, that's okay, I'll be saying hello to Mom and Dad (sorry Mom, I know you're not gone yet, but you know what I mean).


The Plot
• If I don't already have one, put me away from traffic, in the shade.





Special Requests

• If no one wants my Sangean ATS-909 radio, put it in my casket; if someone wants it, give it to them, and put my little Sony SRF-M37V in there with some ear buds, I’ll want something to listen to if God makes me wait outside to wipe my feet.[1]
• Put two books in my casket so I have something to read: The Bible, and Music for Chameleons.
• Mortician: If I still have my hair, let me keep it. Hippie hair. No mullets or poofy coiffures.
• Make sure I have a blanket, I don’t want to get cold.
• I don't laugh much, but I have a mirthful spirit. You can laugh if you want.
• If you cared for me at any time in my life, leave something at my grave. I'll see it. I'm not a mind reader.
• Nothing that happens between me and Jesus before I go affects any of this.
• Everything here is subject to updates. All of the above is 100% serious.




The Lighter Side 
Some ideas for what might go on my tombstone: 


• The only bad words are the words that hurt people.
• I don't get it.
• I tried.
• Think you can do better? It's all yours.
• I'm not as far away as you think.
• I sold tin to Jesus Christ.[2]
• A lost kite that flew too soon toward heaven.[3]
• I tried to get out of it.[3]
• I can hear you, you know.
• I don't mind going, it's just no fun getting ready.[4]
• I've seen enough.
• Watch out, that last step is a doozy.
• Don't laugh, it's paid for.
• I know now why God makes old men tired.

 [1]
Apologies to CS Lewis.

[2]
If you understand that one, my hat's off to you. I Googled it and came up empty. But it is referenced in a history of Great Britain I read a long time ago.

[3]
Apologies to Truman Capote.

[4]
Dad said something like this. He said "I don't mind going to Heaven, but getting there is no fun."

 Started: 2011-11-29