Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons

I recall having a sudden insight into what Kurt Vonnegut was getting at with the terms “wampeters,“ “foma“ and “granfalloons“ in Cat’s Cradle, especially “granfalloon,” which Vonnegut called “a proud and meaningless association,” such as a sports team. (He uses the term “Hoosiers” as an example in something he wrote, I forget the reference. Vonnegut was from Indiana. I don’t know what a Hoosier is, but I gather there are some there.)

Vonnegut explained these terms in the book Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons, but it was much more fun encountering them through his stories. His genius was in part an ability to transform the ordinary into the absurd and vice versa.

(“And the excrement hit the air conditioning,” for example, or surviving the Dresden bombing, which he did only because he was imprisoned in an underground bunker.)

There’s a bit of magic that never evaporates when the mundane is wrapped in something beautiful, like a poem or a picture or a song or a movie, or the nonsensical, like granfalloons.

Learn more about wampeters, foma and granfalloons here >

 

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Being great at something has less value when lots of people are good at it and the difference doesn't matter.

[2013-10-28]

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Guess I just hung with a bunch of bogarts.

I never took an illegal drug, not once. Wasn’t because I didn't want to, just no one ever offered it to me. I was around it plenty at rock concerts, high school, and college (my suite mates names toked on their one-hitters out the window every morning and did hashish on weekends - fascinating hardware and process).

Guess I just hung with a bunch of bogarts.

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RIP, Marsha Wallace

Marsha Wallace died recently. The media (even NPR) focused on her as the voice of Mrs Krabappel on The Simpsons. I remember her instead as the secretary on The Bob Newhart Show, which was often understated and erudite in a way that a cultural neurosis made funny. It was national group therapy for the 70’s.

Marcia Wallace (as Carol Kester) featured on a Nick at Nite promo for The Bob Newhart Show

 

 

 

[2014-10-27]

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Trunk or Treat? We worry too much.

At this time of year we hear of well-intended alternatives to traditional Halloween celebrations. This has been true since I was a boy. One alternative that was new to me is “Trunk or Treat.”

If I understand it correctly (and I think I went to one in Rockford, MI last year), a few folks decorate themselves and their vehicles for Halloween and the kids go trunk-to-trunk getting candy. The whole event takes place in a parking lot, usually at a church.

Is there anything wrong with Trunk or Treat? No, it’s fun, safe, and full of empty calories. What’s not to like?

Is it necessary? No.

Why not let it be an addition rather than a replacement?

I feel the same way about Santa and the Easter Bunny and other magical things that make children smile and stay with them for a lifetime.

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When I was a boy, moms inspected apples for pins and razor blades, an urban legend that somehow made Trick or Treat a little more interesting to tweens going door to door, having been filled as we were with visions of Disney’s old crone preparing the poison apple for Snow White.

If you listen to Old Time Radio Halloween shows, you’ll hear our parents’ parents and their parents worry about the same things, play the same tricks, and get into the same trouble with soap and toilet paper and doorbells.

[2013-10-14]

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Removing training wheels (a rite of passage).

Much of what we promise ourselves remains hidden, as these words will be when this floor is finished. The promises below were written with Sharpie markers on the unfinished cement floor of a new addition to St Matthew Lutheran Church in Ada, MI.

I began attending a few months ago with Dee Dee, and Jing is now coming a bit.

A short autobiographical moment from my childhood...

Proverbs 3:5-6[1] is one of only two bible passages I know by heart. (The other is John 3:16. I’m not a good memorizer).

I learned it as a boy when I was asked to give my testimony, along with other young teenagers, at Bethel Baptist Church in Erie, PA, then still on the East side of town and no talk yet of additional services, a Bethel West, or a church split (which was uncomfortable for me to watch even as a child).

I dreaded giving my testimony. I had to get up in front of a few hundred people and tell them about a verse that meant a lot to me, but I didn't have a verse. I read my bible every day, but there wasn’t one verse that stood out as especially important.

Truth is, of course, that asking a 13- or 14-year-old what verse has mean the most to him is merely a step toward removing spiritual training wheels, a rite of passage through which a young Christian becomes an older one.

I asked my mom and dad for help and Mom suggested Proverbs 3:5-6, which had meant a lot to her. So I memorized it and sort of invented a backstory that didn’t sound like I just asked my mom what verse has meant a lot to me.

I distinctly remember a lot of nodding gray heads and affirming smiles.

I’d passed.

And I still remember those verses. They’ve certainly come to mean more to me since then, but not until I was much older did I realize how little understanding I actually had to lean on.

[2013-10-20]

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[1]

5 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (KJV)

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I hope the guy that writes McDonalds signs isn't on the grill.

This McDonalds door sign signs says 'This Store OPEN 24 HOURS EVERYDAY':

Aside from missing a verb, "everyday" is an adjective, not an adverb.

Maybe the writer used to do the news: "Bad weather. School delays. Story at eleven."

 

 

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“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

--Rodney Dangerfield

When my mind wanders, it goes here....

Click to enlarge: “New York Construction Workers Lunching on a Crossbeam.” Photo by Charles C. Ebbets, GE Building at Rockefeller Center, 1932.

We’ve all been there: a meeting at the office, a traffic light, a classroom - and our mind wanders into events and conversations we’ve had, plan to have, or never will have but would like to.

Where does my mind go?

I find myself wondering at the fabrication process behind folding walls, or the giant rubber grommet running around a conference table. I wonder about the person that ran a press, poured a mold, how long ago that was and what the world was like back then, for some offices are now in remodeled warehouses that were built generations ago.

What did they eat for lunch? What did they talk about? What was home like? What was cooking on the stove when they got there? What did they buy with the loose change in their pockets?

My Grandpa Cairns said his mother baked cherry pies in a wood stove, and they were the best he ever had.

I think about those things.

[2013-10-11]

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The gene responsible for lactation is also involved in making earwax.

Howabout that.

[2013-10-15]

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You ever see an atheist hospital? (+12,000 OTR shows available for instant listening.)

You ever see an atheist hospital? I don’t mean a hospital built without regard to religious sensibilities, there are thousands of those. I mean a hospital built because the builders were compelled by their atheistic convictions. How about an orphanage? A soup kitchen?

When I see an atheist hospital and people actually going there, I’ll believe atheists have managed to find an abiding compassion for those less fortunate, despite no compelling reason to be so (unless you find an evolutionary advantage “compelling”; I don’t; not even sufficient, or adequate; serviceable, perhaps, in the same way that you can use a butter knife to turn a screw if you really want to).

If you know of a fundamentally atheistic philanthropic organization, I’d like to know 1) which one, and 2) which atheistic principles find expression in such an organization.

[2103-10-16]

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12,000 OTR shows available for instant listening.

I just found this site: "The OTR.Network Library is a free resource for Old Time Radio (OTR) fans. We have over 12,000 OTR shows available for instant listening. "

Visit OTR.net >

All the shows appear to require the Realplayer, which I don’t care for, but I applaud having everything in one place and free. I have no connection to this site whatsoever except a shared love for Old Time Radio.

I still like to listen to live streams and people talking between shows. When you share an experience, it  has a dimension you can’t get with an iPod and earbuds.

[2013-10-15]

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Our fondest and oldest memories are those of what mattered to the adults around us when we were children.

Every town used to have a radio station that played music like this all day long…

 

When I was a boy and dreamt of being a novelist, I would type at an old Underwood (that used to belong to Grandma and Grandpa Cairns) and listen to that station, which played Doris Day, Percy Faith, Dean Martin, Glenn Miller, and instrumentals like Hugo Winterhalter's Canadian Sunset; the station observed small celebrations like Secretary’s Day and would send bouquets and candy to offices that tuned them in; and they said nice things about Erie and smiled between songs.

You can hear a smile if you listen carefully.

It put me in the mood for old movies and faraway lands that hold the imagination of young boys.

That station was called “The Music of Your Life.” It’s still available in some markets, and you can stream it online here >

Unfortunately, The Music of Your Life is no longer the music of my life. As I’ve aged, they’ve modernized their playlist so a lot of the music is from my childhood, not my parents’ childhood, and that isn’t how I remember it, or why I enjoyed it.

 

I recall telling my Grandma and Grandpa Grandy (Mom’s mom and dad) about the station and how much I enjoyed it and thought they might too, but it would have been the same for them as it is for me now, and in fact Grandma Grandy didn’t care for it very much. Our fondest and oldest memories are those of what mattered to the adults around us when we were children.

Perhaps Grandma Grandy would have enjoyed Al Jolson, but nobody was playing Al Jolson then, or now.

Al Jolson - Brother can you spare a Dime

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I listened to the rock ‘n roll stations too, of course, K-104 (FM) and WJET (AM) were the most popular in town. K-104 is now Froggy FM and playing country/contemporary; JET is conservative talk.

When I was a kid, someone wrote an angry letter to the editor of the Erie Morning News, saying something to the effect “The last thing we need in this city is another long-hair rock ‘n roll station” (which were impossible to avoid nearly anywhere on the dial). That guy is probably long gone, but the day came in Erie and every other big city where programmed music scuttles between baseball games and political squabbling.

[2013-10-18]

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Family Resemblance?

This is me at 8 weeks, me at 50, and Mimi at a few months. Family members say there is a strong resemblance.

 

This is the reverse of the pictures of me at 8 weeks.

 

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How do you know Jesus is really in the communion bread?

How do you know Jesus is really in the communion bread? You just invite him to join you at the table or something?

    How did Jesus come into your heart?

I invited him

    !

[2012-old note to self]

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"Some folks are always looking. Just as some folks are in love with being in love, some folks are in love with seeking, and never finish one journey before starting another."

--Clarence 0ddbody

 

[2012-old note to self]

One guy says to the other: I need a joke...

So one guy says to the other:  “I need a joke about social security.”

The other guy says: “Howabout this:

    Who was that lady I saw you with last night? 

    That was no lady, that was my wife!”

The first guy says: “I said I need a joke about social security!”

The other guy says: “Don't you get it? That joke is over 65!”

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Sounds like something you might hear today. Eddie Cantor told that joke on the radio in the 1930’s.

Everything old is new again.

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What do you want on your tombstone?

This hypothetical tombstone says ‘CORRIGENDUM TO FOLLOW’:

 

Okay, a little esoteric, but that there’s funny, you gotta give me that.

[2013-10-10]

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fugimundi (cracked and splattered with Jemima juice)

O whither goest thou

within or without

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Consider the humble amoeba, how it toils not, and spins not, yet consumes the fleshy circuits that talk to God.

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Easy, now

 

 

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Criminy shucks, Clarence, you outta yo mind?

Angels don’t have minds.

Or hearts for that matter.

Just a soul and a lotta will.

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Consider the humble amoeba, how it toils not, and spins not, yet noshes on evolution's greatest wonder turning conscience into protozoan excrement, as happy in a brain as in a pond or doing the backstroke in maple syrup.

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Life is one big Aunt Jemima bottle that got jostled in the box on the way to the store cracked and splattered with Jemima juice and some kid in a smock washed it off in the mop room and put it on the shelf sticky with applique glass.

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Life is the bottom layer of a pallet of Hellman's Mayonnaise crushed by layers of mayonnaise above it, spitting out chunky yellow and dry.

Yassuh, gonna live sumday in the big layer on the top of the mayo pallet where burdens are light and I can see forever.

 

[2013-9-11 <- These dates are real; I work on them over the course of days, a few minutes at a time; this prose poem had its genesis in 9/11 and the terrorist attacks on that day.]

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I spent  a lot of years working in grocery stores. The biggest messes to clean up were:

• Liquid soap

• Syrup (corn, maple, etc)

• Eggs

• Sugar and flour, especially in winter time (once it started getting tracked down the aisle by wet boots)

• Cooking oil

• Ketchup

A customer once put fresh fish all wrapped up pretty in butcher's paper behind a case of canned mixed fruit. It took us two days to find it, by which point the putrefaction was nearly unbearable.

[2013-10-14]

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