Why I won’t go back to Krispy Kreme

On August 25 I made my first trip to a Krispy Kreme.

I know, that's almost like making a first trip to McDonalds, but I've just never felt drawn to the place. I've been taking Dee Dee to Tim Horton's lately and thought I'd try something new.

After standing in front of the counter while others cut in front of me, I figured out that if you stand by the donut assembly line, someone will hand you a warm glazed donut on wax paper. 

I had no idea if it was free, but everyone was doing it. Since no one is helping me over here, I'll stand over there with the crowd of happy donut eaters.

During an orderly procession by the glazing machine, I eat my free donut and find myself at the counter, where I order two real donuts, the kind with filling and frosting.

"Do you want a dozen?"

Hmmm. No, just two, but everyone around me is ordering a dozen. Maybe they only sell in dozens? Is that like a rule or something?

I ask if I can get a half dozen.

"Sure."

And a medium coffee, house blend, with a shot of espresso.

"Sure. Would you like to get a large for 10¢ more?"

Sure. I pay. And wait.

And wait.

My 4-year-old and 8-month-old are sitting at a table. And waiting.

"I'm sorry, we have to clean the espresso machine. I can add a flavor shot instead."

I think: I didn't want a flavor shot. If I'd've wanted a flavor shot, I'd've ordered a flavor shot. I wanted caffeine.

Just give me my coffee.

I hesitate: Will you offer me a free donut instead of the espresso shot I paid for but didn't get?

Nope.

Betwixt and after, my brain knits together some observations:

• Nobody smiled.

• I didn't get what I paid for and I bought more than I wanted.

• I didn't know how the @#$# to go about ordering a donut in a donut shop and felt like a moron.

• If there's a physical path between me and the cash register, please put signs up telling me where to start and end so I don't stand there like a moron while others cut in front of me looking at me like I'm a moron.

(Ancient money-making secret: Don't make your customers feel like morons.)

• I had to dodge a bunch of 30-something Dale Earnhardt wannabes in pressed khaki shorts racing through the parking lot for their free donut with what seemed like repeated disregard for a dad carrying a baby and holding the hand of a 4-year-old. I mean, I can understand one impatient SUV driver in a donut store parking lot, but I felt like I was crossing 28th Street, not walking twenty feet from my car to the front door.

• On the way out, I tripped over a loose entryway carpet, yes, while carrying a baby and holding the hand of a 4-year-old.

 

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Did anyone tell me “I don’t want you here” ?

No. They designed their parking lot, trained their employees, and constructed a brand and purchase path that interfered with this new customer.

In a day when choices for roughly the same product are only blocks away or across the street from each other, being adequate is inadequate.

 

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I couldn't leave fast enough and promised myself not to eat another Krispy Kreme even if someone brought a box into work.

We’ll see about that last part.

But tomorrow it’s back to Tim Horton’s after early morning church, where people smile and you get what you ask for and you pay for what you get.

[2013-08-25]

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Sitting up, sitting down, and how to stop all the racial tension.

It occurred to me while looking at my 8-month-old baby girl in her crib, that it’s possible, in English, to be both sitting up and sitting down at the same time.

Prepositions are the most idiomatic parts of speech in English and are especially difficult for adults learning English as a second language, since they have to be memorized.

(In this case, for my lovely Chinese wife, “sitting up” regards posture when in a seated position, and “sitting down” means “not standing up”)

[2013-08-27]

 

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Click to enlarge: Top: Trayvon Williams. Bottom: Chris Lane, from Melbourne, Australia.

How to stop the racial tension over tragic situations like Trayvon Williams and Chris Lane:

Step 2: Stop killing each other.

Step 1: Remove all guns (the operative word is all), but that’s a nonstarter for a lot of folks I know, so let’s just agree to stop pointing them at each other, then #2 would take care of itself.

Education and Opportunity

Actually, FWIW, the real solution is education and opportunity, but we have to stop killing each other first.

I’m sick and tired of seeing young people die, I’m sick and tired of people injecting race into every debate, and I’m sick and tired with a society that molded me to see things that way.

I have a story coming up tomorrow about a crummy experience at Krispy Kreme. I might be tempted to view the experience as a personal response. Fact is, Krispy Kreme managed to wreck an otherwise enjoyable Sunday morning without any regard to my color or age or girth or IQ or propensity to get excited when I don’t know what the heck I’m supposed to do and everyone else around me does.

Chances are you just injected your own race into this and think I’m talking to you. That’s just you talking to you. And that’s okay.

[2013-08-27]

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The power of Christ compels you (at both ends and everywhere in-between).

Click to enlarge: A view from the back of St Matthew Lutheran Church in Ada, MI. Being a good Baptist, I am most comfortable in the back :-) St Matthew's homepage is here >

When someone is urged toward a new conviction, there's usually one or a few motivating factors. Something might be spurring you forward, something else may be driving you away.

(Being driven away from something is never a good reason by itself to adopt new ideas.)

If you know me or have spent any time here, you know I was raised GARBC Baptist and have never stopped considering myself a Baptist. "GARBC" stands for General Association of Regular Baptist Churches. You can learn more about them here >.

I've lately been worshiping at St Matthew Lutheran Church in Ada, MI. It's close-by and worships in a way I have missed for many years - an ordered, reverent, quiet reflection on Jesus, the same sort that I remember from childhood.

The first service I attended opened with the congregation singing "Great Is Thy Faithfulness," frequently sung at Bethel Baptist Church in Erie when I was a boy, and I'm sure still today.[1]

The compelling part:
St Matthew’s offers something else : I've come to believe over the past couple years a doctrine rejected by evangelical Protestants and my Baptist brothers and sisters - that Jesus is truly in the communion bread and wine ("real presence"). Not spiritually, not metaphorically or symbolically, or in the same sense that he is in our hearts or in the building - but physically really truly it and in it, and a channel of grace, so that when you ingest the bread and wine, you are taking something into you that cannot be accomplished any other way.[2]

I believe that when a minister consecrates the host with this intent, this transformation takes place.

I'm not a theologian, but after considered thought, these two points helped me understand communion in this way:

Click to enlarge: Disciples On the Road to Emmaus, by Duccio, 1308-1311, Museo dell'Opera del Duomo, Siena.

1. Jesus' own words in John >
2. The Emmaus Road story in Luke >, in which the risen Jesus remained a stranger until he broke bread, at which point he was recognized.

Our modern sensibilities regard real presence as superstition, but that's how Jesus described it and how the apostles and early church understood it.

There are some other things I find appealing about St Matthew's : They’ve also given me a very warm welcome, without which the peaceful service and real presence probably wouldn't have brought me back.

I have in the last couple years been fortunate to be welcomed by sensitive Christians interested in my journey. There’ve been exceptions, but not many.

My Catholic friends may think St Matthew is a miss as good as a mile and will pray for me. My Baptist friends may think I've lost my mind (though not my salvation) and will pray for me. Jesus is at both ends and everywhere in-between.

I wouldn't be here and probably wouldn't be a Christian if it weren't for my Great Grandpa Bauer, a Lutheran German immigrant. That doesn’t justify a choice one way or the other, but it's interesting nonetheless.

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The first half of the title of this blog entry is from the Roman rite of exorcism. You may recall it from the movie The Exorcist. It's the very same power in the bread and wine I've consumed at St Matthew's and I believe what drew me there. No difference at all.


[2013-08-23]

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[1]
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
For those that haven’t heard it. Organ is performed by Bob Swift. I don't know him or which church this is, but it's a pretty rendition. Found it on Youtube.

[2]
Lutherans call it "Sacramental Union," and say that Christ's body and blood are present "in, with and under." Although Luther's view was different than the Roman Catholic view, he made it clear he believed in real presence and not the views then developing among Calvinists and others:

"Who, but the devil, has granted such license of wresting the words of the holy Scripture? Who ever read in the Scriptures, that my body is the same as the sign of my body? or, that is is the same as it signifies? What language in the world ever spoke so? It is only then the devil, that imposes upon us by these fanatical men. Not one of the Fathers of the Church, though so numerous, ever spoke as the Sacramentarians: not one of them ever said, It is only bread and wine; or, the body and blood of Christ is not there present.

Surely, it is not credible, nor possible, since they often speak, and repeat their sentiments, that they should never (if they thought so) not so much as once, say, or let slip these words: It is bread only; or the body of Christ is not there, especially it being of great importance, that men should not be deceived. Certainly, in so many Fathers, and in so many writings, the negative might at least be found in one of them, had they thought the body and blood of Christ were not really present: but they are all of them unanimous.”
– Luther’s Collected Works, Wittenberg Edition, no. 7 p, 391

"Ist ist ist" as Luther said (in German), "It is is is."

 

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Prodigal words return + stray images from childhood.

Update: I want to thank Volodymyr Frytskyy at Vladonai Software for writing a happy ending to my blogging drama. He sent back everything he could recover, which was everything I lost.

Ralph Ellison, famed writer of Invisible Man, reportedly lost his second novel, nearly complete, in a house fire, and didn’t return to writing for years. I read Ellison in college and that knowledge made Invisible Man that much more important to me.

Having been a writer since I was a child, I’ve lost a lot of work, much of it in the days of paper when gone was gone. I’m a packrat now, but despite weekly backups and multiple copies, accidents still happen.

Words are like children to a writer and I feel a little like the Prodigal Son’s father, just much poorer. And no fatted calf.

Thank you Volodymyr.

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Click to enlarge: In this still from The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy is telling her family and friends about her dream, and that they all were in it.

Stray images from childhood..

• Mom testing a hot iron with a licked finger. When the spit sizzled, the iron was ready. I do this today myself, even though modern irons have indicators when they're ready to use. I don't trust them. I trust my finger.

[2013-04-10]

• My Grandpa Grandy addressed my Grandpa Cairns as "Mr Cairns," and Grandpa Cairns did the same for "Mr Grandy." I thought that odd as a child because I always considered both of them just as much family to each other as they were to me. Not until I was older did I consider that my mom and dad married each other, my grandparents didn't marry each other.

Both grandpas were pretty prominent businessmen; this way of addressing each other may have had more respect in it than distance.

[2013-08-18]

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Momma Deer and Bambi in my backyard.

Now I know where my flowers have gone. They're getting turned into baby deer:

 

Video of  Momma deer and baby deer in my backyard.

 

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Say something else in that ear:

Writing advertising copy the same day it's due is like performing field surgery at a battalion aid station. (Finish with your own gruesome metaphor, eg, "It may be _______ but it's never _______" or "The patient lives but the _______ dies," etc.)

--Clarence 0ddbody

 

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A shout-out to Vladonai Software, creator of AllMyNotes outliner

I ran into an issue with my primary portable blog writer. I use a portable version of AllMyNotes from Vladonai Software to write this blog (then I use Windows Live Writer to format and schedule).

This combination gives me portability and nearly seamless copy/paste from fingertips to Blogger.

Unfortunately, AllMyNotes became corrupt between weekly backups, and yesterday I couldn't access my work for this blog (and that's why you are reading this today).

I sent an urgent message to Volodymyr Frytskyy, the developer, and he responded within a couple hours and is now personally looking at the file.

THAT is called support. Regardless of how this turns out, Volodymyr gets an award for being the single most helpful software developer/vendor I've ever worked with, besides making an awesome app.

Thank you, Volodymyr.

[2013-08-25]

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Charlatans are hard to watch. I feel sorry for them.

Click to enlarge: Psychic phenomenon debunker James Randi

The Ideomotor Effect

I just learned about this; it's accountable for the perceived effects of dousing rods, Ouija boards, etc.

"The ideomotor effect is a psychological phenomenon wherein a subject makes motions unconsciously; ... automatic writing, dowsing, facilitated communication, and Ouija boards have been attributed to the phenomenon." Source >

James Randi Speaks: Dowsing, the Ideomotor Effect

 

James Randi exposes Uri Geller and Peter Popoff
This is hard to watch. I hate watching people embarrass themselves in front of others, even when they're charlatans.

 

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I don't feel sorry for religious charlatans that are exposed in front a national audience. I actually think we ought to see more of that.

I'd start with these guys....

(I'll give Hagee the benefit of the doubt that he thinks he's right, but the others are full of hooey and would have a level all to themselves if Dante were writing the Inferno today. An appropriate punishment might be a cool glass of cool water that is repeatedly offered and withdrawn, or having to watch each other's videos for eternity.)

[2013-08-20]

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I remember Grandma Cairns reading "The Little Engine that Could."

Yesterday I posted a short story about The Little Boiling Water Reactor that Could >.  I remember my Grandma Cairns (née Bauer) reading "The Little Engine that Could" to me. I remember exactly where we sat, which side she sat on, and how she held the book. (And it happened to be under a painting that hangs in my house today.) That was when they lived on E 37th in Erie, down from St Luke, up from Saints Peter & Paul, which had an enormous playground and a swing set.

("Up" in this case is "up the hill" from 37th to 38th Street. I've written about this before. I grew up near Lake Erie; the surrounding land slopes toward the lake, so even though the lake is north and technically "up" from wherever you happen to be, it was common to hear people say "up" when referring to the grade of a street in a direction away from the lake.

And so I have a severe directional disorder to this day, never knowing which way is up. If you ask me today where "upper State Street" is in Erie, I'd probably be wrong, and there's only two choices.)

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Click to enlarge: a Doctor Cartoon by Randy Glasbergen

Grad School Dream

I had a dream in grad school (when I was studying Linguistics) that I was pushing my car up a hill; it was very difficult, but in my dream I eventually succeeded.

A psychologist friend, who was careful not to put too much stock in dreams (but did sometimes find them insightful), said it meant I subconsciously felt I would eventually succeed in my studies.

I've psychoanalyzed my own dreams for years and can sometimes adjust anxieties in this way. Dreams don't predict the future or commune with the spirit world (so far as I know), but they do reveal issues we are not consciously addressing.

How's that make you feel?

     Like a cigar.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

     Even my delusions are unremarkable.

[2013-08-19]

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The Little Boiling Water Reactor that Could

Many years ago I worked as a "document coder" for a law firm that was suing General Electric and others over the design of their Mark II Boiling Water Reactor core. The case was settled out of court. The utility that contracted with GE claimed the suppression pool would not accommodate the release of steam during a LOCA (loss of coolant accident) and that the reactor pool would slosh around so violently that the reactor could crack and release radioactive steam.

As a document coder (a job title invented for this role), I read through GE documents released by court order and summarized those that assisted the utility's case. Since the case involved nuclear power plant design, I spent a year or more reading engineering documents and memos on nuclear energy design and safety.

One of the parts I read a lot about was called a "safe end." A safe end is a device fitted to the bottom of a steam downcomer (exhaust pipe) that regulates how steam is discharged into the suppression pool.

I've had this little story down for a long time, 20 years or more. Today I added a few flourishes, including a nod to The Wizard of Oz, but it's otherwise the way I originally wrote it. I had begun experimenting with punctuation in place of words in my early college days; this was well before emoticons.

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[Scene: a man is walking down a long hallway, no windows; the floor is old, shiny and roiling linoleum. Bare incandescent light bulbs illuminate the hallway every 20 feet. You can hear the man's heels echoing.

The man stops at a door, an old wooden door with a frosted window and a title written on the glass. The title says "Department of Nuclear Resources."

The man knocks.]

Come in.

Hello, I'm Clarence, I got a memo to come down here. Is this the Department of Nuclear Resources?

What's it say on the door? Sit down.

?

On the couch.

?

Oh, just move those stacks of paper aside. There's a couch under there.

Thank you.

Clarence, is it?

Yes.

Let me see... Clarence... Clarence... No, I'm sorry, I have no record of a Clarence.

Oddbody. Clarence Oddbody. Oh-dee-dee-bee...

I know how to spell "Oddbody," thank you. No, no Oddbody. What's your employee number?

AS2.

AS2... AS2... Oh yes, there you are. You are a six-two-seven-stroke-thirty-eight-dash-A-S-two. A safe end.

I'm sorry?

Yes, yes, a safe end, it's all right here.

I'm sure it is, but I'm Clarence. Clarence from Accounting? You know, adding machines and red tape and budgets and all that?

Hmmm... we''ll, there are no safe ends in accounting, they're in nuclear engineering. That's a different building.

Yes, I know, that's why, well, why I'm sort of confused. You see, to be mistaken for an eraser or something, maybe, I mean, that would make sense...

Click to enlarge: A schematic of a Mark II boiling water reactor core. The design is intended to suppress steam created when water is used to cool the reactor. If the submerged steam is too great, it creates waves in the pool that can crack the cement wall encasing the core and release radioactive steam. You'd think a little sloshing around would be harmless, but not so; nuclear cores like this are designed to withstand the impact of a 747.

Are you ridiculing me?

No, no sir!

You should be happy I haven't retired you for stress fracture cracking. We do that around here, you know.

Oh, yes, I know.

Can't have any stress fracture cracking. You wouldn't have any experience in materials sciences, would you?

No, no sir.

No, I thought not. Just erasers.

Yes sir, lots of erasers in Accounting.

I'm sure. No more eraser jokes.

No sir, no more eraser jokes.

Now you take this with you.

This form?

That's right. You take that with you tomorrow to the materials sciences lab. They'll run you through some tests.

Tests?

Yes, microfracture analysis... solid state chemistry... modeling and simulation... nanomechanics. If all goes well you'll be back in the suppression pool in no time. Adult swim.

?

My turn for a little joke.

Ha! Yes, I see. Uh, but, I'm in Accounting.

We'd all like to be someplace else sometimes, but there is no more important a role in a Mark Two BWR than a safe end. Why, it's all that stands between us and a nuclear meltdown, isn't that so?

Well, I suppose...

Look, Mr Oddbody... Clarence... take it from me, I've seen them all come and go - control rods, core shrouds, steam dryers - and yes, plenty of safe ends, and each of them had no more self confidence than you. But I'll tell you what they did have.

?

They had a purpose. Therefore, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Universitartus Committiartum E Pluribus Unum, I hereby confer upon you this Quality Control "Passed Inspection" sticker. And remember, my sentimental friend, that a safe end is not judged by how needy you are, but by how much you are needed by others.

And it was always said of Clarence
     that he knew how to suppress steam well
          if any man alive possessed the knowledge.

[1985 / 2013-08-13]

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Frosty the Dentist

Click to enlarge: Snowman outside our dentist's office last winter, on February 27, 2013.

I snapped this picture on my way to a morning dentist appointment last winter. One of the nurses inside said the snowman was there when they showed up at 7am, greeting them with a toothbrush and dental floss attached to stick arms. Someone had a lot of fun, but no one knew who.

[2013-02-27]

 

 

 

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Click to enlarge: A Savage Chicken cartoon about apathy. Savage Chicken is written by Doug Savage. Read more here >

Re-definition

You're apathetic if: most others are more excited about something than you.
You're a zealot if: most others are not as excited about something as you.

Language is perception. Tolerance comes in degrees.

Apathetics are usually very tolerant of zealots. Zealots are not usually very tolerant of apathetics.

Apathy is often the result of long periods of introspection. Zealotry is often a short-lived infatuation.

Apathetics are not very productive. Zealots are very productive.

Apathetics wish things were otherwise. Zealots try to make them otherwise.

We all have streaks of each of these in us. We're never completely one or the other, and there are times when one or the other is more suitable.

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I know "apathetics" isn't a word. Whatever.

[2013-08-19]
 

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